Tough Love

Introduction

I have had the opportunity to work with others seeking biological family information. Some were informed at some point that they were adopted. Others had been led to believe a parent, sibling, or child was a biological relative—only to later discover otherwise.

When these situations arise, I recommend serving as a liaison or intermediary to facilitate the exchange of information. Acting as a buffer helps protect the individuals involved from unexpected emotional reactions. After all, genealogy should be a way to bring families together, not to harm anyone.

A Hypothetical Example

Imagine this: You are helping a woman named “Sarah” who is researching her paternal line. Her DNA test comes back, and instead of matches from her supposed father’s family, she sees a cluster of close relatives with an entirely different surname. After carefully reviewing the data, you realize that Sarah’s biological father is not the man she grew up calling “Dad.”

Before sharing the results, you talk with Sarah about the possibility of unexpected findings. She agrees she wants to know. When you gently present the evidence, Sarah is overwhelmed but grateful for the clarity it brings. You then help her write a respectful message to a potential half-sibling, making it clear that contact is optional and that Sarah values privacy.

This is “Tough Love” in action—the love of truth, tempered with care, compassion, and boundaries.

Tips

• Research and reveal with permission. Set expectations early with “what if” scenarios. For example: “If my parents are not biological, I don’t want to know.” Respect these boundaries.
  

• Become the mediator. Be willing to stand in the gap for the research subject. This holds particularly true for publicly visible DNA matches. “Thank you for your inquiry. I am the manager for this match and will mediate the connection if desired.”
  

• Don’t use names. Use initials or neutral identifiers to protect privacy. “Can you tell me who XY is on your tree?” The proper response: “I cannot reveal this information at this time. Could you provide more details on your end so I can present them to the subject?”
  

• Keep public trees hidden. Until everyone is comfortable with the results, keep your online tree private. If asked: “Please give me access to XY’s tree.” The correct answer is no, until verification and permission are granted.
  

• Remember, it is emotional. Every piece of information has an emotional impact, not just on the person you’re helping, but also on their extended family.
  

Closing

Sometimes genealogy involves “Tough Love.” For the person at the center of the discovery, the journey can be overwhelming—but in time, it may also heal old wounds or unite long-lost relatives. The key is balance: pursue the truth, but never forget the emotions of those who are living the story.

❧ Ethical Best Practices in Genetic Genealogy ❧

Your journey of discovery should strike a balance between truth and compassion. The following principles are recommended by professional organizations, including the Board for Certification of Genealogists (BCG), the International Society of Genetic Genealogy (ISOGG), and adoption research networks.

Board for Certification of Genealogists (BCG) — Ethics & Standards
🔗 https://bcgcertification.org/ethics-standards
The BCG sets the gold standard for professional genealogists. Their ethics code emphasizes accuracy, honesty, respect for privacy, and sensitivity to living individuals when publishing family histories.

International Society of Genetic Genealogy (ISOGG) — Ethics, Guidelines & Standards
🔗 https://isogg.org/wiki/Ethics%2C_guidelines_and_standards
ISOGG provides guidance specifically for DNA and genetic genealogy. Their standards emphasize the importance of consent, transparency, and clear communication when unexpected family relationships are revealed.

Investigative Genetic Genealogy Accreditation Board (IGGAB) — Code of Professional Ethics
🔗 https://www.iggab.org/uploads/1/4/2/9/142901820/c001_iggab_code_of_professional_ethics_publication.pdf
IGGAB outlines a code for professionals using genetic genealogy in sensitive contexts, including law enforcement. While not all aspects apply to family researchers, the emphasis on integrity and confidentiality is highly relevant.

IGGAB — Professional Standards for IGG
🔗 https://www.iggab.org/standards.html
This page expands on IGGAB’s professional standards, stressing accuracy, respect, and accountability when using DNA in genealogical research.

International Association of Jewish Genealogical Societies (IAJGS) — Code of Conduct / Ethics
🔗 https://www.iajgs.org/code-of-conduct/
IAJGS highlights the ethical responsibilities of genealogists, including cultural sensitivity and the protection of living individuals' privacy—principles that extend beyond Jewish genealogy.

The Legal Genealogist — “Ethical Guidance” (Blog Article)
🔗https://www.legalgenealogist.com/2017/08/24/ethical-guidance/
Written by Judy G. Russell, JD, CG, CGL, this article gives plain-language guidance on genealogical ethics. She also links to many organizations and resources for those who want to follow professional best practices.